I’m armed and ready!
I’m armed and ready. Making excuses. Stalling. Heart racing. Maybe it’s not the time. Maybe there’s a reason not to? What if this is the defining moment that changes our lives forever? Should I find a reason not to? All I can think over and over is that this is a risk, this is a risk, this is a risk.
A few months ago – just two in fact – our President announced the lockdown. We were horrified, yet relieved. How would we ever do it? Stay home and not face the world for three weeks? And here I am, two months later, dreading to have to go to the shops. A totally new kind of anxiety has crept in. I have always preferred being at home in my sanctuary -safe from the world with my family and seeing my broader family and close friends when work hasn’t engulfed me. But I never thought it would happen like this.
My days were filled with meetings, appointments and deadlines. They were full and stressful. Up in the dark to prepare school lunches and breakfast; off through the traffic to the other side of town for school drop off – counting the minutes to the bell cause of unexpected insane traffic. Drop off at school; dry mouth; distress. Onto the highway, anxious because I could see the traffic jam looming – potentially getting me to my session late. Getting there on time with my mind racing about how to fit it all in. Session done! Back through traffic, battling the lunch hour highway swells of cars to make my next meeting on time, grabbing take out at a drive through, ‘cause there hasn’t been time to eat; next meeting. Home via the saturated highway to start supper and on and on. Sound familiar? That was just a normal day.
Office in my slippers
Now I get up without that stress; no traffic to school – school is in the lounge. I shower and dress for my Zoom meeting still wearing my warm slippers; have a cup of coffee in the garden in the sun after my meeting and chat to my kids. Yes, there are still endless meetings, endless loads of washing and perpetual cleaning, learning lines and filming, stressing about deadlines – but I like this new world. Do I have to venture out of it? Can I face that world out there?
I take a few deep breaths, clutch my keys in my sweaty palms. I put an extra pair of gloves in my bag. Check for the umpteenth time that I’ve got the alcohol-infested hand sanitizer in my bag; the surface disinfectant spray that closes my chest is firmly held in my other hand. I adjust my mask. My heart is racing. This is it. I am venturing out into the world. Its my first visit to the shops after two months. I’m anxious. I’m armed and ready… and yet I’m not. How about you?